Today, I want to share my personal journey with PDC Family Consultant and those whose lives I may touch through my story. My hope is that by sharing my experiences of pain, loss, faith, and healing, I can offer encouragement, raise awareness, and remind others facing similar challenges that they are not alone during National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
The Beginning of My Journey
At the age of 15, I began noticing that my menstrual cycles were not what I considered normal. I experienced heavy bleeding, blood clots, severe cramps, fatigue, nausea, body aches, and irregular or missed periods. These symptoms often interfered with my daily life and left me physically and emotionally exhausted. My doctor prescribed birth control in hopes of regulating my menstrual cycle and reducing my symptoms. Unfortunately, rather than providing relief, the medication seemed to make matters worse. As I grew older, my struggles continued. I visited numerous gynecologists, searching for answers and effective treatment, but I often left appointments feeling frustrated, unheard, and discouraged. When I became sexually active in my late teens, I began experiencing extreme pain during intercourse, sometimes accompanied by bleeding. I knew something was wrong, but I still did not have a clear explanation for what was happening to my body.It was not until my early 20s that I learned I had uterine fibroids and ovarian cysts. Then, in my mid-20s, a Pap smear revealed low-grade abnormal cervical cells. My gynecologist recommended surgical treatment, which included LEEP and cone procedures to remove abnormal cervical tissue. At the time, I could not fully comprehend how significantly these medical challenges would affect my future.
My First Experience With Pregnancy Loss
Three years later, I became pregnant for the first time. Although I was excited about the possibility of becoming a mother, my happiness was short-lived. At approximately two months pregnant, I experienced a miscarriage. The loss was devastating. I chose not to share my pregnancy or miscarriage with my family. Instead, I carried the emotional burden alone, trying to process feelings of sadness, confusion, disappointment, and grief. I suffered in silence until I finally turned to God and confided in Him about the pain I had been carrying. Although I continued moving forward with my life, the emotional impact of losing my first pregnancy remained with me.
Finally Finding Answers
As the years passed, my symptoms persisted. I continued experiencing severe menstrual pain, irregular cycles, and other complications that affected my quality of life. Everything began to change when I met a gynecologist in my late 20s who took the time to listen.
He carefully reviewed my medical history, discussed my symptoms, and performed a pelvic examination. Based on my history and examination findings, he suspected that I had endometriosis. Hearing this possibility overwhelmed me with anxiety. At the same time, I felt an unexpected sense of relief. Finally, there appeared to be a possible explanation. Because I continued to struggle with cysts, fibroids, and suspected endometriosis, he recommended laparoscopic surgery to evaluate and treat these conditions. Unfortunately, complications occurred when an artery was accidentally injured during surgery. As a result, I developed a hematoma, which caused significant pain and made my recovery more difficult.
Despite these challenges, I eventually recovered and began noticing improvements in my overall quality of life. For the first time in years, I felt hopeful.
I became determined to understand my condition and take a more active role in managing my health. I researched endometriosis, made dietary adjustments, incorporated exercise into my routine, and began focusing more intentionally on my physical well-being. I was finally beginning to feel as though I had regained some control over my body and my life.
A Second Chance at Motherhood
In my early 30s, I became pregnant for the second time. I was filled with excitement, gratitude, and hope. However, because of my medical history, my pregnancy was immediately considered high-risk. At approximately three months pregnant, my cervix began to dilate prematurely. My medical team determined that I needed an emergency vaginal cerclage to help keep my cervix closed and protect my developing baby. The procedure was one of the most painful experiences I had ever endured. Nevertheless, I was willing to do whatever was necessary to give my daughter a chance at life. Following the procedure, I was placed on bed rest, prescribed medication to support my pregnancy, and required to attend weekly ultrasound appointments. Every appointment brought a mixture of hope and fear. I prayed constantly. I pleaded with God to protect my daughter, allow my pregnancy to continue, and give me the opportunity to experience the joy of motherhood. I had never prayed, cried, or bargained with God as much as I did during those months. My daughter had already become my entire world, and I was determined to fight for her.
The Day My World Changed Forever
Despite every effort to protect my pregnancy, my condition took a devastating turn.
At nearly six months pregnant, I developed a severe infection associated with my cervical cerclage. My medical team explained that the infection was threatening my life and that continuing the pregnancy was becoming increasingly dangerous. I was faced with a decision no mother should ever have to make. My doctors explained that delivery was necessary to address the infection and prevent my condition from becoming fatal. However, my daughter was still extremely premature, and the medical team did not believe she could survive at that stage of development. I struggled to accept what they were telling me. How could I agree to a medical decision that would mean losing the daughter I had fought so hard to protect?
Meeting My Angel, Logan Miracle Wilkins
Eventually, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. We named her Logan Miracle Wilkins. Although her time on earth was heartbreakingly brief, she changed my life forever. I held my daughter in my arms and spoke to her as I watched her tiny body change color. I wanted to memorize every detail of her face, every moment of her presence, and every feeling of holding her close. I had waited so long to become a mother, and now I was being forced to say goodbye. There are no words powerful enough to describe the pain of holding your child while knowing you cannot bring her home. I felt devastated, helpless, confused, and angry. For a long time, I struggled with my faith. I questioned God and wondered why He would allow something so heartbreaking to happen to me. I felt as though I was being punished, even though I could not understand what I had done to deserve such pain. The dreams I had imagined for my daughter—watching her grow, hearing her laugh, celebrating her milestones, and experiencing life together—were suddenly gone. But my love for her remained. And it always will.
Learning to Live With Grief
After Logan passed away, we had her cremated and purchased a beautiful butterfly urn to hold her ashes. We also organized a memorial service to celebrate her life and honor the love she brought into our world. I was blessed with an incredible support system of family and friends who loved me and wanted to help me heal. Yet, despite being surrounded by people who cared, I often felt completely alone. It was as though I had been stranded on an island, separated from the rest of the world by a grief that no one could fully understand. I struggled emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There were days when simply getting out of bed felt overwhelming. I questioned my purpose, my future, and whether I would ever experience happiness again. During this difficult season, I found support through Roberta’s House, an organization that provides grief support services. Through its support group, I connected with other mothers who had experienced pregnancy and infant loss. For the first time, I was surrounded by women who understood a pain that often seemed impossible to explain. Their stories helped me realize that although my grief was deeply personal, I did not have to navigate it alone.
Rediscovering My Faith and Purpose
Today, I can say with gratitude, “Thank You, Lord.” My journey has not been easy. There were moments when I felt as though I had completely lost myself. I experienced overwhelming sadness, anger, confusion, and emotional exhaustion. There were times when I questioned God, turned away from Him, and struggled to understand why my prayers had not been answered in the way I had hoped.
Keeping Logan's Memory Alive
My daughter may not be physically present, but she remains an important part of my life.
Every year, I celebrate Logan’s birthday by taking a trip to a destination I believe she would have enjoyed. These experiences allow me to honor her memory while creating meaningful moments of reflection, love, and remembrance.
I also created a special garden in my front yard dedicated to Logan. It is a peaceful place where I can feel connected to her and reflect on the beauty of her brief life.